Uncle Josh's Punkin Centre Stories Read online

  Ezra sed, "Guess its 'bout shettin' up time."

  Jim Lawson's Hoss Trade

  SPEAKIN' of hoss tradin', now Jim Lawson was calculated to be about thebest hoss trader in Punkin Centre. Yes, Jim he could sot up on a fence,chew terbacker, whittle a stick, and jist about swap ye outen youreye-teeth, if you'd listen to him.

  Yas, Jim wuz some punkins on a swap; Jim 'd swap anything he had feranything he didn't want, jist to be swappin'.

  Wall, a gypsy cum along one day and tackled Jim fer a swap; and aboutthat time Jim he'd got hold of a critter that had more cussedness in himto the squar inch than any critter we'd ever sot eyes on, 'cept a cirkusmule that Ezra Hoskins owned.

  Wall, the gypsy traded Jim a mighty fine lookin' critter, and we allcalculated that Jim had right smart of a bargain, 'til one day Jim wentto ride him, 'n he found out if he fetched the peskey critter on thesides he'd squat right down. Wall, Jim knowed if he didn't git rid ofthat hoss, his reputation as a hoss trader wuz forever gone; so he wentover in t'other township to see old Deacon Witherspoon. You see theDeacon he wuz mighty fond of goin' a-huntin', and as he had rheumatizpurty bad it wuz sort of hard fer him to git 'round, so he had to dohis huntin' on hoss back. Wall, Jim didn't say much to fuss, just kinderhinted around that huntin' was a-goin' to be mighty good this fall, coshe'd seen one or two flocks of partridges over back of Sprosby's medder,and some right smart of quail over by Buttermilk ford, and finally hesed: "Deacon, I've got a hoss you ought to hev; he's a setter." Wall,you could hav knocked the Deacon's eyes off with a club, they stuck outlike bumps on a log, and he sed, "Why, Jim, I never heered tell of secha thing in all my life; the idea of a horse being a setter!" Jimsed, "Yes, Deacon, he's bin trained to set for all kinds of game. Icalculated as how I'd git a shotgun this fall and do right smart ofhunting." So the Deacon sed, "Wall, now, I want to know; bring him over,Jim, I'd like to see him."

  Wall, Jim took the hoss over, and all Punkin Centre jest sort of heldits breath to see how it would cum out.

  Jim and the Deacon went a-hunting, and as they wuz a-ridin' alongthrough the timber down by Ruben Hendrick's paster, Jim keepin' his eyespeeled and not sayin' much, when all to onct he seen a rabbit settin'in a brush heap, and he jist tetched the old hoss on the sides and hesquatted right down. The Deacon sed, "Why, what's the matter of yourhoss, Jim, look what he be a doin'." Jim sed, "'Sh, Deacon, don't yousee that rabbit over thar in the brush heap? the old hoss is a-settin'of him." Deacon sed, "Wall, now that's the most remarkable thing I everseen in my life; how'd you like to trade, Jim?" Jim sed, "Wall, Deacon,I hadn't calculated on disposin' of the hoss, but I ain't much of a handat huntin', and seein' as how it's you, if you want him I'll trade you,Deacon, fifty dollars to boot."

  Wall, the Deacon had a mighty fine animal, but he sed, "I'll trade you,Jim." They traded hosses, and when they wuz a-comin' home they had toford the crick what runs back of Punkin Centre, and when the old hosswuz a-wadin' through the water, Deacon went to pull his feet up to keepthem from gettin' wet, and he tetched the old boss on the sides and hesquatted right down in the crick. Deacon sed, "Now look a-here, Jim,what's the matter with this ungodly brute, he ain't a-settin' now behe?" Jim sed, "Yes he is, Deacon, he sees fish in the water; tell youhe's trained to set fer suckers same as fer rabbits, Deacon; oh, he'shad a thorough eddication."

  Paradox--I can't exactly describe it, but it looks to me like a tramp who once told me how to be successful in life. --Punkin Centre Philosophy.

  A Meeting of the School Directors

  WE had bin havin' a good deal of argufyin' about the school house. Yousee it had got to be a sort of a tumble-down ram-shackle sort of anaffair, and when it wuz bad weather we couldn't have school in it,'cause you might jist as well be a sittin' under a siv when it rained asto be a settin' in that school house. Wall, it wuz a-cummin' along thefall term, and we wanted our boys and girls to git all the schoolin'an' eddication what they could; so we called a meetin' of the schooldirectors to devise ways and means of buildin' a new school-housewithout stoppin' school. Wall, we all met down at the school-house; tharwuz Deacon Witherspoon, Ezra Hoskins, Ruben Hendricks, Si Pettingill,old Jim Lawson and me. Before we commenced debatin' and argufyin' on thematter, Si Pettingill alowed he'd sing a song. Wall, he got up and sangthe durndest old-fashioned song I calculate I ever heered in my life;went somethin' like this:

  Oh a frog went a courtin' and he did ride, oohoo--oohoo. Oh a frog went a courtin' and he did ride, With a sword and a pistol by his side, oohoo--oohoo. He rode till he came to the mouse's door, oohoo--oohoo, He rode till he came to the mouse's door, And there he knelt upon the floor, oohoo--oohoo. He took Miss Mousey on his knee, oohoo--oohoo. He took Miss Mousey on his knee, Said he, Missy Mouse will you marry me? oohoo--oohoo.

  Wall, we headed Si off right thar; I guess if we hadn't he'd bin singin'about that frog and the mouse yet. Wall, jist then old Jim Lawson hesed, "I make a moshen;" and Deacon Witherspoon, he wuz chairman, and hesed, "Now look here, young feller, don't you make any moshens at me ordurned if I don't git down thar and flop you in about a minnit. You takeyour feet off'n that desk and that corncob pipe out'n your mouth, andconduct yourself with dignity and decorum, and address the chairman ofthis yere meetin' in a manner benttin' to his station." Wall, Jim he gotright smart riled over the matter, and he sed, "Wall, you gosh durnedold gospel pirate, I want you to understand that I'm a member of thisbody, a citizen, a taxpayer and a honorably discharged servant of thegovernment, and I make a moshen that we build a new school-house out ofthe bricks of the old school-house, and I do further offer an amendmentto the original moshen, that we don't tear down the old schoolhouseuntil the new one is built."

  Wall, Deacon Witherspoon sed, "The gentleman is out of order;" and Jimsed, "I ain't so durned much out of order but that I kin trim you inabout two shakes of a dead sheep's tail." Wall, before we knowed it,them two old cusses wuz at it. The Deacon he grabbed Jim and Jim hegrabbed the Deacon, and when we got 'em separated the Deacon he wuzstuck fast 'tween a desk and the woodbox, and Jim had his wooden legthrough a knot hole in the floor and couldn't get it out, and they'veboth gone to law about it. Jim says he's goin' to git out a writof corpus cristy fer the Deacon, and the Deacon says he's goin' toprosecute Jim for bigamy and arson and have him read out of the church.

  Wall, we've got the same old schoolhouse.

  Justice--Those who hanker fer it would be generally better off if they didn't git it.--Punkin Centre Philosophy.

  The Weekly Paper at Punkin Centre

  WALL, t'other day, down in New York, I wuz a-walkin' along on thatstreet what they call the broad way, when I cum to the Herald squarnoospaper buildin', and it wuz all winders and masheenery. Wall, I wuzjist flobgasted; I jist stood thar lookin' at it. On the front tharwuz a bell and a couple of fellers standin' along side of it with slegehammers in their hands, and every onct in a while they would go topoundin' on that bell, and folks 'd stand 'round and watch 'em do it;they reminded me of a couple of fellers splittin' rales. And all 'roundthe edge of the buildin' they had hoot owls sottin', with electric litesin their ize, and thar wuz no end to the masheenery in that buildin'. Ifanyone hed ever told me thar wuz that much masheenery in the whole worlddurned if I'd a-beleeved them; biggest masheen I'd ever seen beforewuz Si Pettingill's new thrashin' masheen. Wall, I jist stood thara-watchin' them printin' presses a-runnin'; paper goin' in to one endand cumin' out at t'other all printed and full of picters and folded upready to sell; it jist beat all the way they done it. Wall, we neverhad but one paper down home at Punkin Centre; we called it "The PunkinCentre Weakly Bugle;" old Jim Lawson he wuz editor of it. You see Jimhe wuz sort of a triflin' no 'count old cuss, so to keep him out ofmischief we made him editor. Wall, Jim he had his pla
ce up overEzra Hoskins' grossery store. He never got any money for thenoospaper--always got paid in produce, and Ezra's store wuz a mightygood place fer him to take in his subskriptions. Wall, things went alongpretty smooth fer quite a spell 'til one day a feller he cum in and giveJim a keg of hard cider fer a year's subskription to the noospaper, andwe all calculated right then that somethin' wuz a-goin' to happen;and sure enough it did. You see 'bout that time Jim had got twoadvertisements; one wuz fer Ruben Jackson's resterant and the other wuzthe time table of the Punkin Centre and Paw Paw Valley Railroad. Wall,Jim he got to drinkin' the hard cider and settin' type at the same time,and when the paper cum out on Thursday it wuz wuth goin' miles to see.Neer as I kin remember it sed that: "Ruben Jackson's resterant wouldleave the depo every mornin' at eight o'clock fer beefstake and muttonstews, and would change cars at White River Junkshen for mins and punkinpise, and cottage puddin' would be a flag stashen fer coffy and do nutslike mother used to make, and the train wouldn't run on Sundays cos thestashun agint what done the cookin' would have to run en extra on thatday over the chicken and ham sandwitch divishion."

  I believe that wuz the last issu of the Punkin Centre Weakly Bugle.

  Enthusiasm--Sometimes inspired, sometimes acquired, sometimes the result of immediate surroundings, and sometimes the result of hard cider.--Punkin Centre Philosophy.

  Uncle Josh at a Camp Meeting

  WALL, we've jist bin havin' a camp meeting at Punkin Centre. Yes, ferseveral days we wuz purty busy bakin' and cookin and makin' preparationsfer the camp meetin', and some of the committee alowed we ought to havelemonade fer the Sunday school children. Wall, as we wanted to git itjist as cheap as possible, we damed up the crick what runs back of thecamp meeting grounds, and put in ten pounds of brown sugar and half adozen lemons, and let the Sunday school children drink right out of thecrick, free of charge. Wall, we had right smart difficulty in gittin' apulpit fixed up fer the ministers, but finally we sawed down a hemlocktree and used the stump fer a pulpit. Wall, some of the sarmons preachedat that camp meetin' beat anything I ever heered in my life afore. Yousee we'd bin havin' a good many argyments 'bout corporations, monopoliesand trusts, and one minister got up and sed, "Ah, my dear belovedbrethren and sisters, we should not be too severe on the monopolists.If we read the scripters closely we observe our forefathers wuz allmonopolists. Adam and Eve had a monopoly upon the garden of Eden,and would have had it 'til this day, no doubt, had not Mother Eve gotsqueezed in the apple market. Yea, verily, Lot's wife had a corneron the salt market. And while Pharoe's daughter was not in the milkbusiness, yet we observe she took a great proffit out of the water; yea,verrily." Most on us cum to the conclusion he wuz ridin' on a free pass.

  Samantha Hoskins concluded she would have to sing her favorit hymn; itwent something like this:

  "Oh you need not cum in the mornin', And neither in the heat of the day; But cum along in the evenin', Lord, And wash my sins away.

  Chorus-- Standin' on the walls of Zion, Lookin' at my ship cum a sailln' ov{er}; Standin' on the walls of Zion, To see my ship cum in."

  Jist about that time Ruben Hendricks skeered a skunk out of a hollerlog. Si Pettingill stirred up a hornet's nest, Deacon Witherspoon sotdown in a huckleberry pie and Aunt Nancy Smith got a spider on her, andshe started in to yellin' and jumpin' like she had a fit, and two dogsgot to fitin', and old Jim Lawson he tried to git 'em apart and hestumped 'round and got his old wooden leg into a post hole and felldown, and the dogs got on top of him, and you couldn't tell which wuzJim nor which wuz dog; and durned if it didn't bust up the camp meetin'.

  The Unveiling of the Organ

  IT wuz down in Punkin Centre, I believe in eighty-nine, We had some doin's at the meetin' house, That we thought wuz purty fine;

  It wuz a great occasion, The choir, led by Sister Morgan, Had called us thar to witness The unveilin' of the organ.

  In order fer to git it We'd bin savin' here and there, Lookin' forward to the time When we'd have music fer to spare, And as the time it had arrived, And the organ had cum, too, We had all of us assembled thar To hear what the thing could do.

  Wall, it wuz a gorgeous instrument, In a handsome walnut case, And thar wuz expectation Pictured out on every face; Then when Deacon Witherspoon Had led us all in prayer, The congregation all stood up And Old Hundred rent the air.

  Jist then the doin's took a turn, Though I'm ashamed to say it, We found that old Jim Lawson Wuz the only one could play it; But Jim, the poor old feller, Had one besettin' sin, A fondness fer hard cider Which he'd bin indulgin' in.

  But he sot down at that organ, Planked his feet upon the pedals, And he showed us he could play it Though he hadn't any medals; He dwelt upon the treble And he flirted with the base, He almost made that organ Jump right out of its case.

  Wall, the cider got in old Jim's head And in his fingers, too, So he played some dancin' music And old Yankee Doodle Doo; He shocked old Deacon Witherspoon And scared poor Sister Morgan, And jist busted up the meetin' At the unveilin' of the organ.

  Uncle Josh Plays a Game of Base Ball

  I HAD heered a whole lot 'bout them games of foot ball they have in NewYork, so while I was thar I jist cum to the conclusion I'd see a game ofit, so went out to one of their city pasters to see a game of foot ball.Wall now I must say I didn't see much ball playin' of any kind. All Igot to see wuz about fifty or sixty ambulances, and I think about thatmany surgons and phisicians. Wall, from what I could see of the gameI calculate they needed all of them. I saw one feller and 'bout fiftyothers had him down, and it jist looked as though they wuz all tryingto get a kick at him. They had a half back and a quarter back; I supposewhen they got through with that feller he wuz a hump back. Anyhow, ifthat's what they call foot ball playin', your Uncle Josh don't want anyfoot ball in his'n.

  I never played but one game of ball in my life that I kin remember on,and don't believe that I ever will forgit that. You see it wuz alongin the spring time of the yeer, and the weather wuz purty warm andsunshiny, and the boys sed to me, "Uncle, we'd like to have you help usplay a game of base ball." I sed, "Boys, I'm gittin' a little too oldfer those kinds of passtimes, but I'll help you play one game, I'll bedurned if I don't." Wall, we got out in the paster and wuz gittin' readyto play; we got the bases and bats put around in thar places, and abuckit of drinkin' water up in the fence corner, whar we could get adrink when we wanted it. We didn't have any bleachers, but we had thirtyor forty hogs, and they wuz the best rooters you ever seen; jist then Ihappened to look around and thar wuz the biggest billy goat I ever sawin all my life. You ought to seen the boys a-gittin' out of the paster;I would hav got out too, but I got stuck in the fence. Wall, you oughtto hav seen that billy goat a-gittin' me through the fence. He didn'tgit me all the way through, cos I wuz half way through when he got thar;but he got the last half through. I didn't make any home run, but I wuzthe only feller what had a score of the game; I couldn't see the score,but I had it. Every time I'd go to sot down I knowed jist exactly howthe game stood.

  They hav a good many new fangled games now, but when they git anythingthat can beet a game of base ball with a billy goat fer a battery,durned if I don't want to see it.

  The Punkin Centre and Paw Paw Valley Railroad

  WONDERS will never cease--we've got a railroad in Punkin Centre now;oh, we're gittin' to be right smart cityfied. I guess that's aboutthe crookedest railroad that ever wuz bilt. I think that railroad runsacross itself in one or two places; it runs past one station threetimes. It's so durned crooked they hav to burn crooked wood in theingine. Wall, the fust ingine they had on the Punkin Centre wuza wonderful piece of masheenery. It had
a five-foot boiler and aseven-foot whissel, and every time they blowed the whissel the durnedold ingine would stop.

  Wall, we've got the railroad, and we're mighty proud of it; but we hadan awful time a-gittin' it through. You see, most everybody give theright of way 'cept Ezra Hoskins, and he didn't like to see it go throughhis medder field, and it seemed as though they'd hav to go 'round ferquite a ways, and maybe they wouldn't cum to Punkin Centre at all. Wall,one mornin' Ezra saw a lot of fellers down in the medder most uncommonlybusy like; so he went down to them and he sed, "Wat be you a-doin'down here?" And they sed, "Wall, Mr. Hoskins, we're surveyin' fer therailroad." And Ezra sed, "So we're goin' to hav a railroad, be we? Is itgoin' right through here?" And they sed, "Yes, Mr. Hoskins, that's wharit's a-goin', right through here." Ezra sed, "Wall, I s'pose you'll havea right smart of ploughin' and diggin', and you'll jist about plow upmy medder field, won't ye?" They sed, "Yes, Mr. Hoskins, we'll hav to dosome gradin'." Ezra sed, "Wall, now, let me see, is it a-goin' jistthe way you've got that instrument p'inted?" They sed, "Yes, sir, jistthar." And Ezra sed, "Wall, near as I kin calculate from that, Ishould jedge it wuz a-goin' right through my barn." They sed, "Yes, Mr.Hoskins, we're sorry, but the railroad is a-goin' right through yourbarn."